Tips for Supporting Children’s Fears

Happy Halloween!!

Halloween is one of my favourite times of year. I love the fall, I love carving pumpkins, I love costumes. And it is almost time for kiddos to get those costumes out and go get some candy! A lot of kids who celebrate Halloween are probably even more excited than I am right now. But for many others, Halloween may come with mixed emotions.

Being scared is half the fun of Halloween for me and although many kids agree, for many others, fear may get in the way of enjoying it. Halloween can bring up many fears for kids. As adults, it is up to us to support them through their fears, not only at Halloween, but all year long.

So, whether your family is gearing up for some trick-or-treating, or doesn’t partake in Halloween, here are some tips for supporting children’s fears throughout the year that can be helpful for children of all ages:

Supporting Children’s Fears

1. Acknowledge the Feeling First

It is really difficult for caregivers to see kids feeling scared about things that cannot physically hurt them – we instantly want to fix it so they can have fun. So, we tend to jump right into reassurance when a child is feeling scared. “It’s okay Adam, you don’t need to be scared.” “There’s nothing to be afraid of Sally.” “Look, all the other kids aren’t scared.”

Even though our intentions are great, when we jump to reassurance we are sending the message that their feelings aren’t valid, or shouldn’t exist.  This can often create a second layer of fear for kids – being alone with their feelings.  We unintentionally leave kids thinking, “I’m not supposed to be afraid, but I am – what is wrong with me?” Or,  “No one understands how I am feeling.”

So, instead, it is important to begin our response by labeling the feeling. By responding to Johnny with, “Wow, I can see you are feeling really scared of the monster right now” instead of launching into reassurance, we are sending the message that we understand what they are feeling, we are here for them, and it is okay to feel scared sometimes.

2. Help them Become Calm

If your child is feeling scared, chances are they are in ‘fight or flight’ mode, which you can read more about here. When we are in ‘fight or flight’ mode, listening and learning are tough. So we need to become calm first, before we can think rationally about a situation. Deep breathing, counting, finding a quiet place, and back rubs can help bring a child out of their ‘fight or flight’ mode and become calm enough to talk through their feelings.

3. Give the Facts

For fears and anxiety, often a good general rule is The More Information, The Better. This is slightly different from reassurance. In reassurance we are explaining the feelings away, but by giving the facts we are supporting the child’s understanding of what caused the feeling. So, after everyone is calm, you may take some time to explain the difference between what is real and what is fake, what decorations are, what can and can’t hurt you, etc. So, instead of “Look, no one else is scared”, you might say something like, “That monster is a Halloween decoration. That means that it is not real and it can’t hurt you.” But don’t forget to label the emotion first, so your child knows you get what he is feeling before you offer the facts.

4. Support them to Face their Fears – IF they are Ready

Now that your child’s feelings have been validated, they are calm, and they have all the facts, you can ask your child if they would like to engage in the scary thing to help them feel less afraid of it. So, for example, If the monster decoration was the source of the fear, you might ask your child if they would like to go up to the monster with you to see that it is not real and can’t hurt them. This is where following your child’s lead is really important. We do not want to force children to engage in something scary if they are not ready. So, if your child says No and is still very scared of the monster, we don’t want to push them to touch it or be in the same room as it. You may, then, take it down or leave that area and let your child know that it is okay to feel scared. You can always try again later.

5. When to get Professional Support

If your child has fears that you aren’t sure how to handle, have been around for a long time even though you’ve done all of the above, or are getting in the way of their day-to-day life – like attending school or making friends – then you might want to consider getting some extra support from a trained professional. A social worker or psychologist will be able to guide you on how to respond at home while working with your child to learn how to manage their fears. You can talk to your family doctor, seek out your local children’s mental health agency, or find a local professional online through sites like www.PsychologyToday.com.

Most importantly, remember that every child is different and has different needs. You and your child are figuring out what works for them together.

Until next time,

Meg