Holidays can be a time of excitement and joy for kids, and it can also be a time of sadness and confusion as kids remember loved ones they have lost. Grieving children can experience a huge range of emotions around the holidays. They may be feeling sad that the person they love isn’t here to share their usual holiday traditions. They could be feeling angry that they aren’t able to see their loved one while also feeling excited to open presents or bake cookies. They may be feeling guilty for feeling happy and excited even though their loved one is not there.
All of these emotions can be scary and confusing for kids. If you are a caregiver of a grieving child you know how challenging it can be to see your child grieve. You can’t change what happened or bring back the person they love, but there are some things you can do to help your child through the holidays.
Here are a few tips for supporting your grieving child during the holidays:
1. Self-care: If you child is grieving then it is very likely that you are as well. Spending holidays without someone you love can be just as difficult for adults as it is for children. Take some time to care for your own needs. What support do you need during the holidays? Who can support you? Who can you talk to? How can you take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids?
2. Start the Conversation: It is often believed that if kids want to talk about something, they will. However, kids depend on the adults in their life to start the tough conversations so they know that they can talk openly about it with you when they need to. Talk to your child about the loss. Talk about what will be different. Share your feelings and ask about theirs. Ask your child what they miss most about their loved one during the holidays and what they need to get through it. They may not have the answers, but when they hear you asking and sharing, they will know that they can talk to you about it when they need. Bring it up more than once and remind your child that they can talk to you anytime.
3. Keep Old Traditions Alive: When a family member dies, adults often wonder if keeping old traditions that included that family member will make the holiday more difficult for their kids. Many parents want to shield their children from anymore grief and feel it would just be too hard to continue the traditions without their loved one there. Only you know what is best for your family, however, keeping old traditions alive can help kids feel close to the person they lost, and can help them keep the memory of that person and the moments they shared together bright in their mind. Talk to your child about the traditions they loved sharing with the person they lost and ask if they would like to continue those traditions with their loved one in mind.
4. Incorporate Your Loved One Into Your New Traditions: As families change, so do traditions. New traditions will naturally begin to evolve. Finding a way to incorporate the memory of the person your child lost can help your child continue to feel close to their loved one, and can relieve some of the guilt that often comes with moving on. For example, lighting a candle in their honour, adding a photo-ornament to the tree with their picture in it, and sharing favourite memories of past holidays can help kids keep the spirit of their loved ones present in their new traditions. Ask your child how they would like to remember their loved one during the holidays – they may surprise you with how many ideas they have!
5. Ask: Continue to check in with your child about what they need, how they would like to celebrate the memory of their loved one during the holidays, and how they are feeling. Ask, ask, then ask again. Don’t pressure yourself to know what will be best for your child – they might not even know! As you continue to talk about what they need, you will continue to figure out the answers together.
6. Patience: Kids who have lost someone might not be ready to celebrate the holidays without them. Denial and anger are natural parts of the grieving process and your child may be experiencing one of these emotions during the holidays. That is okay. Let them know you are here for them and try to resist forcing them to partake in activities they are not ready for. Have patience and remember that they will move forward in their own time, and with lots of support.
7. When to ask for Help: If you are feeling overwhelmed by your child’s experience of grief, if your child is having difficulty managing their emotions, or if your child is having a hard time talking about their grief, it may be good time to look for professional support for your child to help them through their grief. Talk to your family doctor, your local children’s mental health agency, your EAP provider, or a private counselling practice to gain extra support for your child.
The holidays can heighten grief as adults and kids remember those they have lost. Remember to have self-compassion during the difficult times and to reach out for your own support as needed.
Until next time,
Meg
Additional resources and information on supporting grieving children:
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