Written by: Alex
As I write this article my son is asking me for paper, he immediately requires information on how hot air balloons float, he needs specific markers we keep in a high cupboard. I am annoyed by all of this because my brain was flowing in the direction of writing about attachment parenting and not presently ready to respond to those requests. I respond immediately for him this time (perhaps so not to feel like a complete hypocrite given this blog subject). I reach for the markers, remind him where he can get himself some paper, explain a little about my brief experience in a tethered balloon and set him up on the floor to create whatever his brain is racing towards.
Of course I am no model of perfection when it comes to all of this. I have caught myself reading parenting articles online while tuning out requests from my son to snuggle with him on the couch. All the while patting myself on the back for being such an “aware” parent. I have snapped on him for playing, for waking me up, for asking for a snack. I have ignored his needs in many different ways in his four years. I have been learning how to mother while facing being human. This is attachment parenting. It is addressing the needs of your child as much as possible while healthily managing the inner frustration that builds from constantly placing another’s needs before your own.
One way that I cope with my parenting failures is to apologize to my son. By apologizing to him, I find myself explaining emotions and how they affect our actions. I explain the connection between hunger, fatigue, stress and emotions. This allows him to not only develop empathy, but to develop an emotional vocabulary so he can explain how he feels. It holds space for him to develop his personal boundaries.
By apologizing in a timely way, these important emotional lessons may become imprinted as a more positive emotional learning experience in his memory. In the future he may remember that I lost my cool over peanut butter, but he may also remember the long talk and cuddles we had afterwards. He will remember that his mom was not perfect but she was constantly correcting her own poor behavior. He will also learn it’s okay to be imperfect. By apologizing, we acknowledge that our children inherently deserve our attention even though we may not be available to give it. This feels like a new concept to anyone who, like me, grew up with emotionally unavailable parents.
When we allow our children to see us as imperfect humans in need of occasional forgiveness, good things happen. We remove the shame attached to learning to control emotions and the shame attached to not being as practiced as adults. Children thrive when they see that life is about self improvement and not about maintaining an idea of perfection.
There are benefits for the parents as well. We become more forgiving of ourselves. Apologizing alleviates the guilt that, as parents, we drag around for the times we lost our cool. Mostly though, apologizing for our failures teaches children how to apologize when they have lost self control. Of course an apology is always best followed by self reflection. What changes can we make in our personal, controllable life situations to prevent those moments from sneaking up on us? Look out for my tips for keeping cool in my next article.
Alex is an Ontario certified educator, mother and wife currently living in Simcoe County, Ontario. She has over 15 years of experience in child development. She is a child abuse survivor and advocate for children’s rights to quality of life. Learn more about Alex here.
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