Today we wrap up our first ‘Responding to Tantrums’ series by talking about how to manage the aggressive behaviours that often come with children’s big emotions. If you haven’t already, check out PART 1 and PART 2 of this series to learn more about what tantrums are and how to support your child’s emotions during a tantrum.
During a large emotional outburst, a lot of children will instinctively turn to aggressive acts like throwing, kicking, and hitting to express their emotions. This happens because when we become upset our bodies go into ‘fight or flight‘ mode. ‘Fight or flight’ is a state that our bodies automatically go into in the face of danger to help us literally fight the danger, or run from it. This can be really helpful if you see a bear while out on a hike, but is less helpful when it is triggered by our uncomfortable feelings like anger and anxiety – which is typically when we see it. During ‘fight or flight’ the part of our brain that is responsible for thinking things through, listening, and expressing ourselves verbally is literally shut off so that all of our energy can be directed towards running or fighting. This is when we yell, throw, hit, and kick.
This is also why, in the heat of the tantrum, we have to turn to calming strategies, like the ones we mentioned in PART 2 of this series, to literally turn the brain back on – get it out of fight or flight – if we want to stop the aggressive behaviours.
Possibly the most important thing to know and remember about ‘fight or flight’ is that learning does not happen when we are in this state. We have to be calm to learn. So this means that no amount of discipline, yelling, or scolding about aggressive behaviors during a tantrum will lead to change. So then…
How Do We Teach Children Not to Hit?
1. Learn to Manage your own Aggression – If you are aggressive with your children, they WILL learn to be aggressive. This includes spanking. There is a ton of research on the impact of spanking and parental aggression on children, and none of it is positive. Children will learn to manage their big emotions by watching how the adults in their lives manage their own emotions. So, sorry to say it, but the old ‘do what I say and not what I do’ philosophy doesn’t work. If you want to teach your children to manage their emotions without yelling or hitting, then the first step is to model this behaviour for them. This is really difficult. This is even more difficult for young children, and if we are asking a young child to learn this, we have to be willing to learn it as well.
2. Teach Alternatives to Hitting – When children are aggressive, our instinct is to tell them to stop – of course! But if we only tell children what NOT to do, they have no idea what To Do instead. So, only saying “don’t hit!” is really unhelpful if our goal is to teach children what to do when they are upset. We have to give kids options for how to respond differently and then practice those alternatives with them everyday to help them learn. We wouldn’t get mad at a young child for not knowing how to read if we haven’t taught them how to read. The same goes for emotional regulation. This is a skill that needs to be taught, so we can’t get mad a child for not knowing how to do this if we haven’t taught them how.
Here is a list of things you can teach your child to do instead of hitting/kicking/screaming:
Ask for help
State their feeling
Take a break
Take 5 deep breaths
Count to 10
Squeeze their fists or a squishy object
Hug a stuffed animal or pillow
Your favourite calm down strategy
3. Teach when Everyone is Calm – Since we really can’t teach children when they (or we!) are in ‘fight or flight’, we have to teach alternatives to aggression outside of the emotionally driven moments, when everyone is calm. So, pick a time to sit down together with your child and show them how to calm their bodies down when they are upset. When setting this up with your child, you may say something like this: “Hey Johnny, I’ve noticed that when you feel mad about cleaning up your toys that you throw them and hit me. It is okay to feel mad, but it is not okay to throw and hit. We are going to learn about what you can do to calm your body down when you are feeling mad so that you don’t throw or hit anymore. I am also going to learn how to stay calm so I don’t yell as much.” Calming skills need to be practiced during calm moments everyday so children can access these skills when they are upset.
4. Coach Your Child During the Tantrum – So, now that you have begun learning to manage your own anger, and you and your child are practicing calm down skills together everyday, you can start to coach your child to access those skills during a tantrum. As soon as you see the emotions starting to rise, you want to state your child’s feeling, and coach them through the calm down skills you have been practicing. This is really hard work and will take a LOT of practice, but in time your child will learn new ways to manage their big feelings without hurting others – and these skills will last throughout their life.
5. Praise Effort – Research shows that positive reinforcement (for example, praise and rewards) works better for shaping a new behaviour than consequences. Giving specific praise each time you see your child trying a calm down skill or becoming calm after being upset will go a long way in motivating your child to keep trying the new skills. Praise works best when it is specific to the behaviour you want to see more of and happens right after you see the behaviour. So, right after taking deep breaths together you may say, “You are doing a great job taking your deep breaths and staying calm, Johnny.”
6. Use Consequences Sparingly – Consequences do not work as well as praise for shaping a new behaviour. Remember that if we want to see a new behaviour, we have to teach that behaviour – and simply consequencing the absence of the behaviour you want to see will not teach a new skill. However, if there is a specific behaviour that occurs often, like throwing toys, a specific consequence for throwing toys can be put into place in addition to everything above. The consequence must be somehow related to the behaviour you want to see less of for it to make sense to a child, and it needs to happen right away for a child to relate it to the undesired behaviour. We will talk a lot more about this in future posts, but for now, during your calm talk with your child about what to do instead of throwing, you might also tell your child what will happen if they do throw their toys. For example, “Hey Johnny, I know you are working really hard to use your deep breathing instead of throwing, but sometimes it is still hard not to throw. So, each time you do throw a toy, the toy will go in the closet for 30 minutes.” Consequences needs to be followed through with every time for them to really make an impact, so if you set up a consequence be prepared to follow through!
If you are doing all of the above and not seeing the progress you are hoping for, or if this seems completely overwhelming and you aren’t sure where to start, then seeking out extra support might be the way to go. A child and family therapist, your family doctor, or local children’s mental health agency will be able to help you troubleshoot what is going wrong, learn new skills to help everyone stay calm, and support you along the way as you implement these strategies at home.
Until next time,
Meg
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