Written by: Alex
A young mother once told me that she had to move out of her basement apartment because of the upstairs owner’s heavy-footedness. The stomping was triggering her memories of child abuse and making her uncomfortable in what needed to be her haven as she learned to mother. This is a perfect example of what many parents are dealing with while simultaneously managing kids. Our children require an environment where they feel safe, acknowledged and included. This can only happen when the caretakers are mentally and emotionally balanced. Parenting requires that we take measures to ensure we are in a calm state of mind while interacting with children.
Given that not everything is under our control, what steps can we take to prevent situations which cause our own outbursts?
1. Vent to the right person. Venting to our children about how difficult it is to be around them is not okay. Along with other things, it damages their self-esteem in a major way. It happens when we have become exhausted and depleted. We must not let ourselves get to that point. Venting to a trusted person, however, (and not just anybody) is a healthy way to release the tension that builds from the pressure of raising children. I know first hand that venting to anyone who will listen is a bad idea. Choose wisely.
2. Stay organized. I keep baskets, bins and bowls strategically placed in most rooms of the house to hold all those items that usually crowd the entrance, banisters, counters and floors. The long term aim is for us to sort the items back into their permanent places. For the short term, having this rudimentary organizational system assists our family with transition times which can be the most stressful. It means sidestepping frantically searching and finding the car keys under the couch or on top of a pile of floor cheerios. It is good to establish family organizational habits for its own sake, and it assists a calm and loving home prep time.
3. Leave Early. Being organized and leaving 15-30 minutes earlier than necessary can change how the whole day can go for everyone. When you are not running late or short on time, you enjoy your life more. On days I anticipate stress and before I leave my pillow, I visualize how I want the day to go. By visualizing the day or tasks at hand running smoothly with all involved remaining calm, I am more likely to achieve my personal desired results. The extra time leaves room for the unknown variables and helps us remain calm in the case that an issue arises.
4. Use catch phrases and jingles. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. I use the jingles from the PBS children’s program Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood. There is a variety of easy-to-remember jingles and catch phrases for children which assist difficult situations and transitions. Some jingles we use include themes like changing plans suddenly, learning to use the toilet, and sharing with others. We have fun modifying the jingles for our personal family humour. I notice an improvement in my son’s cooperation when I have a corresponding song or saying on hand to offer him. My favourite jingle from Daniel Tiger is “When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four.” Singing jingles and having catch phrases together is also a surprisingly great way to bond with your kids.
5. Take responsibility for your self care. More than the occasional day off, we need to be aware of our own needs in relation to our stressors. Getting into the car with your kids at rush hour when you are hangry, stressed, emotionally upset or uncomfortable is a situation ripe for some anger management practice. It is important to recognize how the pain and discomfort we are experiencing is directly affecting our mood in front of our children. It is up to you to keep your favourite mood enhancers (like music, snacks, essential oils) in all the right places. Take time to think about when you habitually get stressed and what you could use or change to make you more comfortable in that situation.
6. Use motivations that work. The motivator will always change depending on the child’s interests and developmental stage. Right now Charlie is four so he is motivated to make sure he gets enough screen time and treats. While this works, it can’t be the only thing I use or the magic wears out. It is my “go to” if I cannot think of something more applicable for that day to motivate him. Ideally, we can plan alternative incentives into the day to refer to during the most stressful parts. Such as “ Hey, if you can focus on getting dressed quickly, we will have time to see the ducks at the park. If we waste time now, we will only have time for the bank and the grocery store.” This only works with a follow up consequence, when required. No haste, no ducks. The entire world is run on an incentive-consequence system so teaching your children how to successfully meet their incentives now can really put them at an advantage later in life.
7. Avoid triggers while with your children. Of course we should always avoid situations which could trigger us. If you are required to do something potentially triggering, like visiting a particular person, or having a troubling conversation, make arrangements for your children first. Never wing it when you could commit a lot of harm in a triggered state. Making plans for your children in order to deal with a difficult or potentially triggering situation will slow you down and give you time to prepare. Slowing down and making a plan can decrease your chances of acting in anger, anyway.
Alex is an Ontario certified educator, mother and wife currently living in Simcoe County, Ontario. She has over 15 years of experience in child development. She is a child abuse survivor and advocate for children’s rights to quality of life. Learn more about Alex here.
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